just need to think

I am depressed. Thinking back I realize that I usually struggle with some depression about this time every year. I'm sure that some of it is the changing of the seasons, and the past few years add --- hormones. When I think about being depressed--- it embarrasses me, and makes me feel weak. I am trying to get a handle on this---- but I guess I have been trying to DO that for y-e-a-r-s. So, I'm "trying" to surrender it.

You see I have all these thoughts---random, mixed up, probably a little destructive ....

I know that I like to be in control. I also know that for the most part, I really need order. I like things to be in place, (but please don't come and check out my closets and drawers.) I always think I will feel better about myself, even spiritually IF I can just get some things in order, or do some things better---- get my house organinzed and clean, get our bills straightened out, LOSE weight, find a new devotional book, a new Bible Study to submerge myself in, start a new ministry, do BETTER at the ones I am already doing, reach out to more people etc., etc., etc.. And then if I can't get all of these things changed in me ---- I would like to see them changed in other people--- sorry everyone--- and then am angry at all of you when YOU are not meeting all of the standards too. And on and on an on my thoughts go.

Not sure where I am going with all of this, and I'm not looking for someone to make a comment, but just needed to voice it. And I could just delete it all later. AND I usually work through all of these feelings, but would like to make some progress in my spiritual growth this time.

M-m-m I just got a hug from a precious little four year old girl---for no reason :-) Now THAT can boost a gals mood!!

An Ode to Kindra

It has been a long time since I have written on my blog, but today I MUST--- There is someone that we all owe tribute to, and that is our extrodinary youngest child--- K2. She has overcome all of us and won the all important-----Brackets. I am sure that we "could" say that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but we won't mention that. Even though we all know that some of your smarts must be attributed to your unbelievable parents. Some things you have inherited and some are just from the great upbringing you had.

Congratulations on your win. You are amazing, remarkable, wonderful incredible, marvelous, mind-blowing --- and I could go on and on.

Since I am not a writer, I have found a quote that fit this occasion...

Without losers where would the winners be? Casey Stengel

That's right-- we all sacrificed for you so that you could win! Your welcome!!

And if that quote isn't enough here is this one:
The real winners are not those at the top but those who have come the farthest over the toughest roads. Your victory may never make the headlines, but you will know about it, and that's what counts. Earnest A Fitzgerald

This quote reminds me of--- I'm not sure if I've ever told you, but I tried out for Cheerleading one time...

Great Words

I've had a lot of thoughts and things that I've wanted to put on my blog, but just don't take the time to get busy and write. I just hear good old Carmen sing this song. Great words!!

I always hear My children when they bow to pray
I never fail to entertain all that they say
I mourn with every sorrow
I grieve with every pain
Yet all the while I'm strengthening and blessing them again

I want so much to be their Source from which they feed
For I and only I can give them what they need
That's why within the pages of My Written Word
Time and time again this simple line is often heard

Ask of Me, don't turn to any other
Can't you see? You'll never be a bother
Just believe that I can be your Answer, My beloved child
Ask of Me, don't search in other places
Can't you see? That I'll be your Oasis
In that dry and thirsty world you live in
I'll be your cup of water if only you give in
And ask of Me

Eyes have not seen, nor ears have heard
All of the things that I preferred
For those that love Me
But only if you ask of Me

Ask of Me, don't turn to any other
Can't you see? You'll never be a bother
Just believe that I can be your Answer, My beloved child
Ask of Me, don't search in other places
Can't you see? That I'll be your Oasis
In that dry and thirsty world you live in
I'll be your cup of water if only you give in
And ask of Me

Surprise

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I took the test to see where my (not written on) blog rated. I is SO mature in my writin'

the most important thing...

I seems like I am always working on doing better in my Bible Study and prayer time. I have been working on this for too many years. I still struggle to do it on a daily basis. And yet it is vital to my life. I need it. I require it. I crave it.

I need someone to held me accountable, and yet that is a little scary for me. I need someone to ask me these questions. They are pretty specific, and would require more than an "I'm doing okay" answer.
1. How is God speaking to you?
2. Where are you in His Word?
3. What are you praying about?

In listening to Beth Moore on a program yesterday, I loved some of the thing she was saying. She referred to Ephesians 4: 14 - 19, especially vs 19. ...that you may be FILLED to the measure of all the fullness of God. How we need to allow Him to fill us completely. If we don't we walk around with half empty containers trying to get filled up with things, or by requiring other people to fill us. Like we are walking around asking "please fulfill me".

She also referred to Luke 4:18 where Jesus was telling people who he was. Vs 18 says, "The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. She said the word poor means "subsistent living on the alms of others". When we don't allow Christ to fill us completely then we will "beg" others or look to "things" to fill us.

Remembering that God's Word is life ---that is is Him speaking to me, and that my prayers are me talking to Him---how I need this. The most important thing!!! Help me Lord to crave, and thirst after You!!!

Inspiration

Our VBS Mega Sport Camp began tonight. We had 75 kids. They could choose between basketball, soccer, or cheerleading. Then they are being taught various life lessons each night. Tonight was about telling the truth, and that one lie can lead to another.

I am helping with cheerleading. We had 32 little girls, from 1st - 6th grade tonight. I am one of the huddle coaches. I have 10 girls in my group. The huddle coaches have a chance to have a little time each night to talk about the lesson, and to be a little more personal with the kids. During our time together, we can share one of the stories that we have been given. The stories are about different sports figures. For instance tonight, since we were talking about lying, Pete Rose was the sports figure. We told how he lied about betting on the game, etc.

Our other option is to share a personal story. I'm thinking that perhaps I'll be able to use my "cheerleading story". I can see it now... I'll share with my little group, and there will be tears----they'll be inspired to try harder. Sniff, sniff----tears are coming to my eyes as I am writing this. Word will get around about my inspiring story, and ----well who knows what all will happen. Only good can come from this------I know it!

One more thing

Do you realize all of the guilt pastor's wives live with? We feel guilty if our own lives aren't living up to a certain level of a spiritual life. We feel guilty when we don't reach out enough to others, or aren't as involved in the life of the church as we should be. We feel guilty when our husbands don't call on people enough, or they make a poor (but human) decision. Guilt is not fun, and I for one am tired of living with it. So-o-o another decision of mine is to try to be more content with being human, and making sure that I am being obedient to what the Lord would have me do and not what others think.

Dilemmas of a Pastor's wife

Being the wife of a pastor is sometimes---how should I say it? Interesting. I have always told people that pastor’s wives have an interesting dilemma. If their husband is being a “bozo” (mine never is, of course) then whom do they tell? Do people in the church really want to hear about their pastor’s flaws? If there are financial problems whom does she talk to? The church is paying your salary. If the pastor's wife is struggling with personal problem, it is hard to talk to someone when she should have it all together spiritually (or at least feels like she should). And the list goes on. You get the picture.

I have found it hard to have friendships. Perhaps other pastor’s wives don’t feel the same way. Added to my friendship phobia is the fact that I have moved around a LOT. I think that it became safer for me and my emotions to not form deep friendships. I also struggle with just being able to chitchat with people, and I kind of think that is how you first get to know people. For instance, to meet someone for lunch, and then have to think of things to say make me break out in a sweat. (I know that is hard for some of you to believe, since at times I can be quite vocal.)

Well the Lord has been working on me to try to be more open to others. It is not something that comes easily for me. Part of it is the “pastor’s wife” thing, but also the fact that being a super caring, nice person is not where I am gifted. I am the person who sees someone ELSE helping someone out, and I say, “Why didn’t I think of that?” (guilt—a whole other topic for pastor’s wives). Yesterday in Sunday School we talked about encouraging one another, and then my hubby preached on “we were created to work together”. Hm-m-m, okay Lord, I’m listening, or at least trying to listen. One of the questions that Dennis asked in his sermon was. “If someone were going to put a title to my Christian walk, what would it be?” (The book of Acts is entitled Acts, because of the “acts” the people were performing.) I don’t think my title would be very complimentary right now.

So anyway, I want to work on being a better friend, and on being more loving and caring toward others. Not worrying about if I get hurt, etc., but looking to be more open and vulnerable. Okay Lord. I definitely need help in this area!!! I’ve been doing it my way for ---blah, blah years now, so this won't be an easy change, but please help me!

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10